Media Tricks 84-year-old in Texas

I love my sweet grandmother. But bless her little 84-year-old heart, she actually buys into the media. That's the problem: like all good scam artists, the media preys on the elderly and the innocent (minded). After Obama's speech last night, my grandma cooed, "Obama is so intelligent!" Well, Grandma, all our presidents have been intelligent - it's kinda a prerequisite for the job. "No. Bush was an idiot." Bush was an... Oh! You mean because of all those jokes on SNL, and Comedy Central, and, um, the news...

If my G-ma were an internet user, I am almost positive her argument would go something like this:

If you search "Bushisms" on the internet, you will find almost three million site occurrences. And not just by bloggers and comedians, either. From the news, too. So, it's got to be a real thing. The epitome of impartiality, Time magazine itself, posted this little collective, "Top 10 Bushisms," reminding us of George W.'s question in 2000: "Is our children learning?" Whoa! I guess that depends on what the definition of "is" is. But seriously. I mean, that kind of ESL-grammar mistake is right up there with, say, claiming to have visited 57 of the United States! How stupid can you be, right? Oh, wait, wait...Obama actually said that. He said that there were 57 states? Yowzers. No worries, no worries. He was just tired from the campaign trail. Exhausted, really. People say silly things when they is tired.

Let's move on. Quickly.

OK, how about all those ridiculous words Bush was always making up? I don't care that we call Shakespeare a genius for inventing words! CNN featured them as news stories, for crying out loud. What more proof do you need that the man was not fit to be our president if the reputable CNN was even calling him out?! You won't catch Obama saying nonsensical gobbledygook! And not just because he uses a TelePrompter for every single one of his public speeches. No, it's because he's a genius and a thoughtful thinker. Wait..."thoughtful thinker"? Is that another Bushism? No? That one comes courtesy Obama himself?! Well, CNN hasn't put it in a video, so it means nothing to me.

Uh, to the next point...

How about that time that Bush suggested kids with asthma be given a Breathalyzer? Ha! A Breathalyzer?! Should the tots also walk a straight line, Mr. President? Wait, what?! That was OBAMA who said that?! Shizz! Are you kidding me?! OK, give me a minute, I can't hear myself think... I'm getting all turned around. It's Bush who makes mistakes, and Obama who's a genius. I have proof, now stop distracting me...

I got it! Remember that time Bush got up and spoke in front of a crowd of supporters in Richmond and declared, "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed." When, in actuality, the death toll from the tornado about which he was speaking was... 12?! How can an intelligent man who- huh? What? That was Obama again?! WHAT?! Well, eff it. Enough about Obama for a minute. I need to center myself, and go back to the news...

How about CBS? CBS is like my brain. When I'm too tired to think, CBS thinks for me, and they featured in this completely unbiased video montage a whole bunch of evidence that they want me to believe Bush was dumb as dirt. And CBS doesn't have any agenda except to report the truth. You can't argue with truth. I mean, watch the video: the man thanked the powerful Queen of England for attending the U.S.'s bicentennial in "17...1976." He said 17! Before changing it to 19! He said 17 for a split second! Did you hear it? I can't imagine anything more damaging to our diplomacy...well, except...OK. You're saying there was that time a couple weeks ago that Secretary Hillary Clinton gave a giant red "Reset" button as a public gesture to Russian Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov. Only... the Russian inscription was incorrect and read "Overload." And OK, making matters worse, apparently giant red buttons are not all the rage in Russia (they don't have a Staples? Difficult!), and was considered childish. But CBS didn't make a montage about that shizz. And Bush almost said 17 to the Queen! Of England! His tongue said "sssss"! Listen to CBS's video again!

Anyway, I don't know why you're focusing so hard on Hillary and Obama's flubs! Everyone makes mistakes. We're not perfect!

Oh, Grandma...

Media, this one is personal. There are people from a bygone era of honor that actually look up to you, and can not even conceive that you have your own agenda, or that you emphasize stories that serve your purpose and bury stories that don't. If you say "laugh at Bush!" my grandma laughs, because she trusts you. And if you say, "Obama is a genius," then my grandma believes that, too. She isn't onto your scam, Media. But we are.

Media, you have a TIME OUT for the rest of the afternoon. I don't want to even see your face in this classroom for the rest of the day, Media. Go take your homework, get out of this classroom, and work in the library. Tomorrow's a new day. But today...

No one tricks my sweet grandma that way.