Monday, May 11, 2009

Hypocrisy 101

When we're tots on the playground, we learn pretty quickly that we can't righteously tattle on a friend who's just hit us if we pinched the other kid first. It's one of life's first lessons. Basic intelligence. Common sense. And yet...

Wanda Sykes, President Obama, and the media have the audacity to be appalled at Rush Limbaugh's comment that he "hopes this administration fails." Speaking at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, Wanda was so offended by the conservative radio host's words, she went so far as to call them treason. The audience must have laughed long and hard at that one... Aaah, Sykes is funny!

If Wanda is declaring that strong verbiage against an administration is "treason" (let's toss aside the First Amendment for a second), then Bill Maher and Keith Olbermann are in some serious trouble...

When Bill Maher, a liberal commentator, called America "cowardly" after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, and implied that the terrorists flying the planes that hit the World Trade Center were brave, his comments were considered so treasonous that he was promptly awarded the L.A. Press Club's highest honor, the President's Award for, "championing free speech"...just six days after sponsors had pulled advertising, causing ABC to cancel his show.

(Mr. Limbaugh, get your tux ready: unbiased logic states that the L.A. Press Club will be awarding you next... Right?) Hmm...

And what does Wanda think about Keith Olbermann's treasonous demand that President Bush resign because, according to Olbermann, Bush discarded the wishes of all those who "didn't vote for him," and was "too partisan." (Are you catching on to the irony and hypocrisy yet?)

Mean words hurt. Personal attacks are ugly. But let's be real. President Bush was the butt of jokes and the target of bitter liberal-commentator rants for years. And without any censure from the media. If Obama is now finding himself the butt of jokes and conservative-commentator rants, it is clearly ridiculous to be surprised, indignant, or offended. (Wanda, seriously...seriously.)

As Bill Maher himself said: "the patriotic thing to do is to critique [one's] country." (Let's not forget this guy is an award-winner for free speech - he knows what he's talking about...well, so says the media, anyway.) And Keith Olbermann declared it is completely expected that a public (Limbaugh included) should call for a president's resignation the moment a president becomes too, um...partisan. Therefore, Wanda, according to Maher and Olbermann's own logic, Limbaugh is simply a patriot acting in a normal fashion... Why all the hoopla?

Media, I'm going to have to give you a ten-minute TIME OUT for blatant hypocrisy in flying off the handle over Mr. Limbaugh's comments. I'm actually a little embarrassed for you, so let's just leave it at that...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Garofalo a Bigot

Poor Janeane Garofalo... her vitriolic anger, unsettling bitterness, and surprising ignorance (in calling the American citizens who attended the Tea-Party protests nothing but "racist rednecks") was a clear example of someone who has fallen for the political stereotypes that permeate our media. Or, maybe she's just damaged her frontal lobe...

The media stereotype of the conservative Republican is of a closed-minded, racist, sexist, and/or elitist voter, with an extreme-fundamentalist Christian bent. The media stereotype of the liberal Democrat, on the other hand, is of an open-minded, conscientious, community-centered citizen who cares about the environment and humanity. (Well, eff! Who wouldn't want to be a Democrat with those kinds of labels?!)

Aaah, stereotypes. Stereotypes are so tempting, aren't they? They make a complicated world simple. Good versus Bad. Right versus Wrong. Janeane Garofalo versus Redneck Racists. In such a world, there are absolutely no Democrats with unfair prejudices or Pro-Life leanings; and there are definitely no feminist Republicans who care about the environment and the community. Except...

Life isn't that simple. It's complicated. There are shades of grey, and overlaps, and conflicting ideas. And perpetrators of over-simplified stereotypes (like Ms. Garofalo and the media) are taking the lazy way out. It's easy to demonize a political party - it's a fast-track toward recruiting students, audiences, and...ourselves. If we believe we are on the "good" side, and the other side is "bad," it certainly cuts down on any kind of thinking we have to do. (And really, after a long day of work, kids, or studies, who the heck has time for thinking?!?)

Who wants to be told that Republicans are simply a group of voters who believe in a small government role in American lives, and Democrats are a group of voters who believe in a large government role? Then you have to actually educate yourself on issues, and you have to start examining what a "smaller government" means, or what the consequences of a "larger government" might entail, and then it gets all deep and intense and introspective, and you find yourself questioning the politics of Brad Pitt and the cast of Gossip Girl, and - wait, wait, WAIT!!! Can't someone just tell me which is the bad side and which is the good side again? I want to be on the good side! I want to be on the good side! (The media happily steps forward...)

But in the real world (without the dismissive "good" vs. "evil" stereotypes), how would Ms. Garofalo's mind be able to handle Commissioner Michael L. Willliams, for example? An African-American Republican who spoke so eloquently at one of the Tea Parties? What would she say about Alfonzo Rachel, or Condoleezza Rice, or Ken Blackwell, or Joseph C. Phillips, or any of the other African-American Republicans whom Janeane dismissed with such ignorant bigotry? Not to mention the millions of Republicans who are white and (get ready for this, Ms. Garofalo) not racists or "rednecks"? How tedious for Ms. Garofalo: she'd actually have to listen to opposing views, and...make an argument about her own. (Nah, you're probably right,'s a whole lot easier to dismiss the other side as racists...)

And in this bizarre media-created "good" vs. "evil" and "broad stereotypes rule" scenario, where exactly do Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, or Bill Clinton fit in? Because of these three men, it follows that all Democrats are anti-monogamy? When Democrats protest, Janeane will shout "those are just a bunch of misogynistic wife-haters"? And Rod Blagojevich? Because of his actions, all Democrats should be seen as dishonest crooks? Does that make sense?! And yet the media is happy to do that with Republicans, and there are some who actually buy into it. For example, Janeane Garofalo...

It comes down to this: stereotypes are a manipulation tool, and the media is being irresponsible by not admonishing Janeane's remarkably ignorant statements. Surely, if Kelsey Grammar were to call Democrats,"a bunch of mindless and irrational lemmings," the repercussions would be great indeed. We would see headlines, and 60 Minutes specials, and videos with Bono, Sean Penn, and the Black-Eyed Peas holding hands and singing about how "mean words hurt the ozone layer"...or something...

Media, I'm sending you back to grade school, so you can re-learn that whole thing about how damaging stereotypes can be. And while you're there, I'm going to give you a 20-minute TIME OUT, to consider the danger of encouraging broad labels and hyperbole.

Oh, and bring your friend Janeane.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Feeling Dizzy? It's the All the Spinning...

Remember the old days, when the media used to track a president's approval rating like the weather? "old days," I mean, "Bush's presidency"...

America couldn't turn on the evening news or read a newspaper without hearing about President Bush's falling approval rating. (No matter what your political leaning is, you're nodding along with me. I mean, c'mon. Bush's approval rating was given more air time than Octomom and Britney Spears combined.)

Which begs the question...why isn't the media covering President Obama's approval polls with the same fervor? (That's got you thinking, hasn't it?) Hmmm... let's come back to that.

The media is crafty - it knows the power of suggestion. Talk about how crummy a restaurant is enough times, and you can bet no one's going to want to eat there. Spend every night reporting how a president's popularity is falling, and you can bet that trend will continue. It's not rocket science. Even high schoolers know the power of popularity. If the word on the street is that K-Fed is a joke, then it's a no-brainer. Literally. Why even bother to think about it? Just go with the flow. Follow the crowd. The media counts on Americans to act like high schoolers. What brand of jeans are cool? What kind of car should I drive? Should I like my president?

Which explains why President Obama's approval rating is noticeably absent from the news. The media doesn't want to start a domino effect by actually publicizing Obama's plunging popularity. They know that will only add to his falling approval rating - just as it did with President Bush. As I said, the media is crafty. But we're onto you, Media...

So, let's look at an article in the news today (Or, as I like to call it, "seeing past the spin"). The AP announced with a frenetic giddiness reserved for the insane: "Americans High on Obama, Direction of U.S." Intelligent Americans, however, will notice immediately upon actually reading the article that the subsequent AP poll results are far from "high." The article reports that 48% of Americans say the country is on the right track, while 44% say it is not (since when is less than half considered "high"?), and more importantly, the article brushes by its own report that 80% of Americans are fed up with federal spending. If you find yourself gasping at the dishonesty of the media, like a child learning there is no Santa Claus, we'll ease you into this a bit more gently: Um, maybe the AP made a typo. Maybe it was supposed to read, "Americans Sigh at Obama, Direction of U.S."? I'm sure they didn't purposefully use a misleading title that misrepresents their news. Surely the media doesn't think it's actually smarter than its readers, right? Right? (You're still recovering from the Santa comment, aren't you?)

It should be noted that the reputable Rasmussen Reports polls show that 57% of Americans feel the country is heading in the wrong direction, while 37% feel America is on the right track. Incidentally (and not reported by the media), Rasmussen Reports show that 58% of Americans believe the release of CIA memos endangers national security, 60% believe that the government has too much power, and only 37% strongly approve of President Obama. Hmmm. Why doesn't the media talk about those polls?

And while we're noting polls the media doesn't like to discuss, how about the Gallup polls that showed Obama behind Bush, after each man's first month as President? Obama's 59% approval rating serves to point out the growing gap between the American people and the media mind-control attempts... But America is onto you, Media.

Media, I'm afraid there's a 100% chance you're getting a TIME OUT. It's not fair that you're not reporting Obama's dropping approval rating with at least as much hysteria as your coverage of President Bush's. But more importantly, your concerted cover-up attempts confirm your knowledge of how damaging negative polls can be...and that you use them when you see fit. And that's an abuse of power.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Media Mocks Democracy in 2009

If a tree falls in the forest, and the media doesn't report it, does it make a sound? Hmmm...something to mull...

Hey, here's a question: Where is Eleanor Clift? Eleanor? Oh, Eeeeeeeleeeeaaaaanor?

Back during Bush's first term as president, Newsweek's Eleanor Clift called President Bush "stupid" for "overlooking democratic expressions" in the form of the February 15, 2003 anti-war protests. She wasn't alone. ABC's Peter Jennings also publicly decried Bush's response to the anti-war protests. MSNBC called the anti-war protesters the second "world superpower." And The New York Times carried headlines that spoon-fed readers on exactly how to "see" the protesters. Um, literally. "Wide Range of Ages, Races, and Parties Unite on Iraq," was actually a headline. I kid you not. As was: "Throwing a Party with a Purpose," and "A Festive Tone, But Somber Ideas." The media did not attack or debate the protesters; did not accuse them of being extremists; and did not dismiss them because their protests were encouraged by, well, the media itself in the days leading up to February 15th. Instead, the protests were lauded by the media as democratic, meaningful, and significant. And I am proud to be an American because of that...


Fast forward to 2009. Americans gathered by the thousands around the United States on April 15th for "Tea Parties" in protest of taxes and high government spending. And the media completely lost its shizz. Hardcore. CNN's Susan Roesgen, after questioning one man (holding his baby) on why he was protesting, proceeded to cut the man off, get into his face, and actually debate the man in front of the shocked onlookers. Um...did we mention the man was holding a baby? And that Roesgen is a news reporter, and therefore obliged to be unbiased and impartial? The fair and balanced Roesgen then went on to declare the gatherings "anti-government," "anti-CNN," and "not family viewing." We're still not sure what she meant by that last comment (unless she was referring to her spraying the baby with her spit). More importantly, since when is the news meant to be "family viewing"? Unless Roesgen is using the term "family" mafia-style, as in Leftist Familia?

So, suddenly, on April 15, 2009, Americans gathering in numbers to have their voices heard was no longer portrayed by the media as democratic, meaningful, or significant. And the media DID attack and debate the protesters (Ms. Roesgen); DID accuse them of being extremists (thanks to a conveniently timed statement from The Department of Homeland Security widely covered by media ); and DID dismiss them because their protests were encouraged by news outlets. CNN's Anderson Cooper made lowbrow and unprofessional statements about the protesters. The New York Times' Paul Krugman called the gatherings "Astro-turf," not grassroots. And the unbiased media laughed itself silly, when it bothered to cover the protests at all.

No matter which side of the aisle you favor, every American has the right to expect fair news coverage and not propaganda. We don't live behind a wall, for crying out loud. Whether you're against the war and for taxes, or for the war and against taxes, shouldn't Americans be able to trust that their media will give both the same level of coverage and respect?

Media, I'm ashamed of you. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you two detentions and a recess TIME OUT. But Media, these TIME OUTs are adding up. And when a teacher notices that her punishments are becoming ineffectual, she must adopt a new strategy...

Perhaps, Media, the solution is not in asking you to change your stripes, but instead to embrace them. OK: you have biases. CNN leans to the left. Fox News leans to the right. We're humans, not robots, and our emotions and passions are expected to bubble up to the surface, whether we're viewers, reporters, or news producers...

Then, media, let us agree to this: you be straightforward about your biases (no more "holier than thou" pretenses of fair and balanced reporting), and I will agree to accept you as you are. Can you do that, Media? Can you own up to your favoritism and partiality, and allow Americans to choose their news from there? It seems the wisest solution. As it stands now, the only ones you're fooling are children, puppets, and Europe...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

What the Eff is Going On?!?

Here is the situation: Media Matters is gathering a petition of 25,000 signatures to present to Fox News Channel, to demand more "fair and balanced" coverage. (WARNING: Make sure you're not drinking any liquid when you read this next part; let's keep those computer screens dry.) The petition is accusing Fox News Channel of encouraging "conservative paranoia and anti-Obama political activism."


Are you kidding me?! Did they post that on April 1st? C'mon...that has GOT to be a joke, right?

Hmmm...just in case:

Dear Mr. Burns,

I am thrilled your website, "Media Matters for America," is so concerned with monitoring the media. I applaud your mission to call out any news channels that encourage dissent against a sitting president. I am guessing you must have REALLY had your hands full with the media during President Bush's administration, eh? There was so much irresponsible anti-Bush reporting, you must have just been pounding out those petitions, right? Um, right?! ...Uh, What?!

Oh...that's right. Your mission statement says, quite clearly, that you are interested in "correcting conservative misinformation in the U.S. media." Conservative misinformation. You silly goose! Are you trying to make less work for yourself? Correcting liberal misinformation would be a really impressive undertaking, wouldn't it? Take it from me...

First, Mr. Burns, I want you to go make yourself a cup of chamomile tea, because you've really worked yourself into a lather over this, and I'm concerned for your health. Good thing you weren't around in 1776, eh? You would have really panicked at that whole crazy idea of liberty and people having the right to disagree with the government. I can just picture you hyperventilating in a corner, crying out: "No, Jefferson, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Maybe we can find a nice monarchy for you, Mr. Burns, where the press is more controlled and where you would feel more comfortable. How does Saudi Arabia sound? Or, monarchies aside, there's always China...

Are you drinking your tea? (Because here comes the part you don't want to hear.) Mr. Burns, Fox News Channel is not the culprit here. Their audience exists because the dissent already exists...not because they have created it. Kindly give the public some credit. There are still Americans out there who think for themselves. Who are tired of being manipulated by the Katie Courics and Sam Donaldsons of the world, and are choosing to turn to Fox News Channel for a reprieve from the liberal agenda of our mainstream media.

Your petition is pointless, Mr. Burns, because this is America. And we are allowed to be anti-Bush, anti-Obama, or anti-American, if we so choose. As much as this blog, even, may scold the media for its unethical left-leaning partiality, we would never consider petitioning to close it down or require its termination. Because Americans value our freedom, even of those with whom we disagree. Instead, we just change the channel... to Fox News.

Best Wishes,
Time Out, Media!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Obama Bows to the King

The Obamas have a new puppy. His name is Bo. He's a Portuguese water dog. And he's all we've been hearing about.

Something we're not hearing about? President Obama subjugating himself and the United States to the king of Saudi Arabia. Um, did the leader of the free world seriously just bow down to King Abdullah? (No, no, no. He was stooping to shake the king's hand, says the White House). Hmm...funny, because the bow happens after Obama has already taken hold of the king's child-sized mit. And it's a pretty deep bow, too - are we sure Obama wasn't aiming to kiss Abdullah's feet? Oh, nevermind. It doesn't matter. It was just a sign of respect (not the mutual kind - like in Asian traditions - mind you; the king certainly did not bow in return). But c'mon, a bow is no big deal! Well, if that's true...then why is the White House going to such pains to deny it was a bow?

The media's minions will scoff and say, "Why are you getting carried away by a bow, for crying out loud? Aren't there more important things for the news to report?!" Oh, you mean Bo the new puppy? Hmm, I don't know...if President Bush struggling to open two doors in China was deemed national news, then surely President Obama bowing down to the king of Saudi Arabia - father of 22 - deserves a little attention. No? I guess not...

Women - are we feeling nervous yet? Our president just bowed down to the king of one of the world's most oppressed female populations; a place where women are restricted, segregated, and deprived basic human rights (such as the right to vote, or, say, leave the house without asking their husband's permission). Our president honored that man and his country (and their billions of dollars) with a bow.

In my experience, after three summers of tutoring Saudi boys at English summer camps in Switzerland (their sisters, of course, stayed at home behind the "walls" - as the boys explained), I've learned that Saudis are obsessed with two things: 1.) gestures and perceptions, and 2.) power and submission. So...thank you, Obama, for your gesture of submission, and for giving all my old students a moment to celebrate: to jump on their desks and belt out victorious, manly chants (as they did at every single camp social).

Media, whoa. Bo is a bigger story than this? Really? You know you're journalists and not Obama's personal PR machine, right?
I'm going to have to give you a twenty-minute TIME OUT, Media. In a room full of celebrating and victorious Saudi boys.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Media Puts Sarah Palin in the Same Category as Lindsay Lohan

EMINEM: Yo, why isn't the media calling for boycotts of my new CD, like we planned? Dawg, where's the controversy we talked about?!
AGENT: Marshall, I told you we should have gone with the Hillary idea...
EMINEM: Man, @#!$ it, you're right.

In his new video, "We Made You," Eminem does what Eminem does: he mocks, and satirizes, and raps about gettin' busy with Governor Sarah Palin. Wait, what?

Those familiar with Eminem will not be surprised by the content of this latest release. Eminem is Eminem. But what is surprising is the media's efforts to excuse and downplay the potentially offensive content by pointing out - in headlines and articles - that Eminem pokes fun at several celebrities and popstars, thereby grouping Governor Palin with the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson. So, the media equation is: Kim Kardashian (of sex-tape scandals and reality-TV fame) and Governor Palin (governor of Alaska and 2008 Vice-President nominee) are... equals. Subtle, Media. But we're onto you.

And therein lies the problem. Hint: it's not Eminem. It's our media's biased and steadfast attempt to undermine Governor Palin as nothing more than "pop fluff." Artists adore controversy - controversy sells. But our media will barely give Eminem even that. Other than reporting Bill O'Reilly's anger, the media has been noticeably subdued. Where are the headlines from our press, decrying the video for degrading a public official? Where are the protests by leading women in Hollywood, for debasing a female leader? Will Katie Couric feature a "page in her notebook" to discuss this troubling public attack on a political figure? Is Oprah hosting a special? [Crickets.]

Hmmm...One can't help but wonder how the media might have reacted if Eminem were propositioning a scantily-clad Michelle Obama in that video.

Media, I'm giving you a ten-minute TIME OUT to think about things like "double standards" and "transparent bias." We don't expect more from Eminem, but we should be able to expect more from you...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain...

Michelle Obama is everywhere in the media. The reason? Her clothes. But...surely Laura Bush wore clothes, didn't she? Well, if she did, the media certainly didn't notice...

Let us examine the media's fanatical coverage of Michelle Obama's first European tour today to the media's coverage of Laura Bush's first European tour back in 2001. Two First Ladies. Two trips to Europe. Two different political parties...

The Democrat, Michelle Obama's European Media Coverage: A pile of magazine covers, including an invitation to pose for the cover of iconic Vogue; fashion correspondents being brought in to talk on news shows about the effect Michelle's tour will have on Europe (like those comedians who are paid to whip an audience into a lather before a live TV taping); a slew of internet slide shows documenting her wardrobe (which consists of, um, simple a-line skirts and cardigans...what am I missing?); the press using Tiger-Beat-style, hyperbolic phrases, like: "introducing style and glamour to London" and "fashion icon" (again: a-line skirts and cardigans...?!); and top news agencies running frequent fashion updates, like this from the hard-hitting CNN: "Forget the G-20, What are the Spouses Wearing?" Um...huh?

Plus, my personal favorites: an article gushing over the press' comparison of Michelle Obama to Jackie Kennedy (the press? need I say more?), and the repeated bragging over Mrs. Obama's 76% approval rating. (Laura's started at 77% - going up as far as 80% - and ending on 78% when in Office).

Interestingly, these same articles are conspicuously quick to brush past Barack Obama's falling approval rating (below 60%). Which, intelligent minds might start to realize, might explain the sudden media-obsession with the First Lady's clothing labels and upper arms. (Aha... Smoke and mirrors! Clever, clever.)

The Republican, Laura Bush's European Media Coverage
: Um... Uh... Well, it was 2001. Did they have magazines back in 2001? Oh. They did? archived headlines or stories showing up. Well, there is this mention of Mrs. Bush's name three paragraphs into a story of George W.'s "tricky first international trip." But, uh, no fashion critiques. Nothing about her color palette. Hmm. (Well, to be fair, there were larger global crises going on during the Bushs' first trip to Europe; the world couldn't be distracted by fashion when things were falling apart here in the U.S. and abroad. It would have seemed silly - or REALLY suspicious - to talk about Laura's fashion with so many other concerns in the world...)

Media, Media, Media. Are you kidding me right now? This isn't even subtle. I mean, you've done some pretty sneaky, shady things before. But this... this is almost like you're trying to get caught.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a 30 minute TIME OUT for this one, Media. Which will mean missing some of your lunch recess, too. But I want you to use that time to reflect (once again) on impartiality. Fairness. Equal coverage. And Laura Bush's favorite designers.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

America Submits to Communism Without a Fight

When I heard about Mr. Rick Wagoner being forced to step down as CEO of GM... by the White House, I felt a moment of panic and nausea. Our government is now deciding who heads private companies in America? Um...What?!

A liberal friend of mine took the opportunity to calmly remind me that that is the price GM has to pay for taking the government's bailout money. "That's not the government's bailout money," was my response, "That's the TAX PAYERS' bailout money. Do we get to help choose the new CEO?" My friend chuckled, answering (as if explaining to a small child) that we are a representative democracy and that we passed that power on to our chosen leader in November. (Yeah. Right. Because that's the exact same rationale my liberal friend adopted when Bush was president.)

Needless to say, the pep talk didn't help my nausea. I mean, heck. I'm still paying off my federal student loan. Does this mean, because I took a handout from the government, that Obama gets to, say, take my firstborn child? Will he pick out what type of car I drive in the future, or what brand of pickles I'm allowed to buy to go with my government-issued bratwurst?!

How did this happen? How did we get to a point where we are allowing our government to pick and choose our country's CEOs? Is Michael Moore documenting this? Where is our exposé by Bob Schieffer? Is SNL bringing Tina Fey back to play an American in the year 2011, wearing a kerchief around her hair and writing a tear-stained letter to family that live on the other side of the wall?!

There are 13 million occurrences of "Bush" attached to "fascist" on the internet. Where are the millions that attach "Obama" to "Marxist"? As if the ubiquitous Mao Zedong-esque Obama ("Hope") portraits aren't enough to send shivers down America's spines, we have the American Heritage Dictionary's reminding us that Communism is: "A system of government in which the state plans and controls the economy and a single, often authoritarian party holds power, claiming to make progress toward a higher social order in which all goods are equally shared by the people." Next to the entry is a little postage-size picture of Obama...

So, where is the front-page panic? Where is the media outrage? Where are the protests in the streets, covered by reporters and camera crews?

Media, I'm not giving you a TIME OUT today. I'm not feeling well - must be a stomach flu.
I'm calling in sick today, Media. Be good for the substitute...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

America Turns to Fox News!

For the first time ever - EVER - CNN is about to finish in third place for prime-time weeknight news. Who is in first place? Fox News Channel. And behind them, in second place, MSNBC. Fox News Channel is the number one station for prime-time news. Fox News.

The mainstream media loves to dismiss Fox News for being biased, with a conservative lean. Try to quote a Fox News story, and followers of the mainstream media will snigger and roll their eyes, whispering, "Oh, you heard that on Fox News did you?" Tee hee. The bigger joke, however, is that these followers don't spontaneously combust from the hypocrisy of their accusation. I mean, there seriously can't still be people out there who actually believe the mainstream media is unbiased, can there? Let's pause here to let the laughter die down...

The resounding answer is "NO." America does recognize the mainstream media's increasingly slanted reporting, and is answering back in the most profound of democratic ways. By popular vote. The result: CNN is in third place, and Fox News has experienced a 30% jump in its ratings. Because the only way to balance out the barrage of liberal-biased reporting is to hear the other side.

Media, you need to take a five minute TIME OUT and consider the repercussions of your actions. America has lost faith in your news, Media.

And that is a dangerous thing...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Media Tricks 84-year-old in Texas

I love my sweet grandmother. But bless her little 84-year-old heart, she actually buys into the media. That's the problem: like all good scam artists, the media preys on the elderly and the innocent (minded). After Obama's speech last night, my grandma cooed, "Obama is so intelligent!" Well, Grandma, all our presidents have been intelligent - it's kinda a prerequisite for the job. "No. Bush was an idiot." Bush was an... Oh! You mean because of all those jokes on SNL, and Comedy Central, and, um, the news...

If my G-ma were an internet user, I am almost positive her argument would go something like this:

If you search "Bushisms" on the internet, you will find almost three million site occurrences. And not just by bloggers and comedians, either. From the news, too. So, it's got to be a real thing. The epitome of impartiality, Time magazine itself, posted this little collective, "Top 10 Bushisms," reminding us of George W.'s question in 2000: "Is our children learning?" Whoa! I guess that depends on what the definition of "is" is. But seriously. I mean, that kind of ESL-grammar mistake is right up there with, say, claiming to have visited 57 of the United States! How stupid can you be, right? Oh, wait, wait...Obama actually said that. He said that there were 57 states? Yowzers. No worries, no worries. He was just tired from the campaign trail. Exhausted, really. People say silly things when they is tired.

Let's move on. Quickly.

OK, how about all those ridiculous words Bush was always making up? I don't care that we call Shakespeare a genius for inventing words! CNN featured them as news stories, for crying out loud. What more proof do you need that the man was not fit to be our president if the reputable CNN was even calling him out?! You won't catch Obama saying nonsensical gobbledygook! And not just because he uses a TelePrompter for every single one of his public speeches. No, it's because he's a genius and a thoughtful thinker. Wait..."thoughtful thinker"? Is that another Bushism? No? That one comes courtesy Obama himself?! Well, CNN hasn't put it in a video, so it means nothing to me.

Uh, to the next point...

How about that time that Bush suggested kids with asthma be given a Breathalyzer? Ha! A Breathalyzer?! Should the tots also walk a straight line, Mr. President? Wait, what?! That was OBAMA who said that?! Shizz! Are you kidding me?! OK, give me a minute, I can't hear myself think... I'm getting all turned around. It's Bush who makes mistakes, and Obama who's a genius. I have proof, now stop distracting me...

I got it! Remember that time Bush got up and spoke in front of a crowd of supporters in Richmond and declared, "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed." When, in actuality, the death toll from the tornado about which he was speaking was... 12?! How can an intelligent man who- huh? What? That was Obama again?! WHAT?! Well, eff it. Enough about Obama for a minute. I need to center myself, and go back to the news...

How about CBS? CBS is like my brain. When I'm too tired to think, CBS thinks for me, and they featured in this completely unbiased video montage a whole bunch of evidence that they want me to believe Bush was dumb as dirt. And CBS doesn't have any agenda except to report the truth. You can't argue with truth. I mean, watch the video: the man thanked the powerful Queen of England for attending the U.S.'s bicentennial in "17...1976." He said 17! Before changing it to 19! He said 17 for a split second! Did you hear it? I can't imagine anything more damaging to our diplomacy...well, except...OK. You're saying there was that time a couple weeks ago that Secretary Hillary Clinton gave a giant red "Reset" button as a public gesture to Russian Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov. Only... the Russian inscription was incorrect and read "Overload." And OK, making matters worse, apparently giant red buttons are not all the rage in Russia (they don't have a Staples? Difficult!), and was considered childish. But CBS didn't make a montage about that shizz. And Bush almost said 17 to the Queen! Of England! His tongue said "sssss"! Listen to CBS's video again!

Anyway, I don't know why you're focusing so hard on Hillary and Obama's flubs! Everyone makes mistakes. We're not perfect!

Oh, Grandma...

Media, this one is personal. There are people from a bygone era of honor that actually look up to you, and can not even conceive that you have your own agenda, or that you emphasize stories that serve your purpose and bury stories that don't. If you say "laugh at Bush!" my grandma laughs, because she trusts you. And if you say, "Obama is a genius," then my grandma believes that, too. She isn't onto your scam, Media. But we are.

Media, you have a TIME OUT for the rest of the afternoon. I don't want to even see your face in this classroom for the rest of the day, Media. Go take your homework, get out of this classroom, and work in the library. Tomorrow's a new day. But today...

No one tricks my sweet grandma that way.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Obama Cackles at Economy!

Remember the infamous "Bush smirk"? You know, that thing on George W.'s face that an unbiased observer would call a grin? But which was instead twisted in our media as a sure sign of Bush's "inadquacies as a leader" (to quote Bob Cesca's 2007 blog in The Huffington Post)?

Well, I'm more than a little worried, folks. If Bob thought Bush's smirks during questions about the Iraq war were "uncomfortably ridiculous," and if they inspired one Newsweek writer to label them as "smirking arrogance," then - oh me oh my - whatever will Bob and our media say about President Obama's full-out belly laughs when being asked about our economic crisis on "60 Minutes" last night? Guys, guys...seriously, I'm worried. If the media could barely handle a coy up-turn of the lips, how will they handle a full-on guffaw?!

I mean, during the interview, Steve Kroft - looking increasing uncomfortable with his hero's odd laughter - even generously prompted Obama, giving him a verbal kick-in-the shin, saying to the President: "You are laughing about some of these problems. Are people going to look at this and say, 'I mean, he's sitting there just making jokes about money?'"

So...Will the headlines scream: "Obama Cackles at the Economy"? Will the unbiased and impartial Katie Couric lead with a story about "Obama's Tasteless Titter at the Expense of Millions of Americans"? Perhaps The New York Times will announce on the cover of its papers: "Obama Sniggers While the Country Struggles!"

Or... perhaps none of the above. And if that is so, then Media, I'm afraid we're going to have to call a TIME OUT on that shizz. Fair is fair. In this classroom, Media, if the kid who smirks inappropriately gets a detention, then the kid who full-on laughs inappropriately must get at least equal sanctions. Otherwise, that's just out-and-out favoritism, Media. And no one likes a teacher's pet.

I'm afraid it looks like this is going to earn you at least a ten-minute TIME OUT, Media. Five minutes for showing blatant favoritism to the kid with the cackle, and five minutes for picking on the kid with the cute grin and dimples.

We've got our eye on you, Media...

Friday, March 20, 2009

Thousands Protest at White House!

Thousands of protesters gathered outside the White House today, picketing the President's recent remark comparing his lame bowling skills to that of Special Olympians. The President made the offensive joke while appearing on the "Tonight Show." Host Jay Leno was joking that the President's bowling scores were not "that good," when the President responded, "It was like the Special Olympics or something."

Though Tim Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics, has reported that the President called and apologized personally, thousands are demanding a more public apology. One protester declared, "Until President Obama has addressed each of these individuals in the same public forum in which he made that tasteless joke, his apology has no weight with us!" NBC, CBS, and ABC are all covering the protests, interrupting regularly scheduled programming to bring us reports from the chanting mob. The public protests and media attention have not been this intense since Tropic Thunder...

No, wait. Wait. Oh, my bad. I forgot. This is President Obama! There are no protesters or media camped outside the White House, or endless angry headlines demanding more apologies. Silly me! I must have been having flashbacks to possible scenarios if it had been President Bush who'd made a joke at the expense of millions of Americans with special needs. With President Obama, however, the media barely notices such prejudice. (What, Al Sharpton doesn't have any relatives with special needs, I'm guessing?) Dan Quail can't spell "potato," George W. says words that sound funny, but Obama humiliates an entire demographic? Oh, pish tosh! That's not news!

In fact, our honorable media is complaining that the loudest outcry against Obama's blunder is coming from "conservative bloggers." Hmm. Could that be because the "liberal bloggers," (a.k.a., the mainstream media) have chosen to focus their attention on, well, anything and everything except Obama's "gaffe"? In fact, they've even gone so far as to post articles quickly comparing Obama's joke to "gaffes of former pesidents," like in this gem. Wow, that's some pretty clever strategery, Media. Look at the power you have! You've brushed aside the offensive joke with all the penache of a gifted PR wiz, and so (you believe) most Americans will, too.

Except, of course, the Special Olympians.
And the independent thinkers. We're onto you.

Looks like you've earned yourself a five-minute TIME OUT in the Naughty Corner, Media.