Sunday, March 29, 2009

America Submits to Communism Without a Fight

When I heard about Mr. Rick Wagoner being forced to step down as CEO of GM... by the White House, I felt a moment of panic and nausea. Our government is now deciding who heads private companies in America? Um...What?!

A liberal friend of mine took the opportunity to calmly remind me that that is the price GM has to pay for taking the government's bailout money. "That's not the government's bailout money," was my response, "That's the TAX PAYERS' bailout money. Do we get to help choose the new CEO?" My friend chuckled, answering (as if explaining to a small child) that we are a representative democracy and that we passed that power on to our chosen leader in November. (Yeah. Right. Because that's the exact same rationale my liberal friend adopted when Bush was president.)

Needless to say, the pep talk didn't help my nausea. I mean, heck. I'm still paying off my federal student loan. Does this mean, because I took a handout from the government, that Obama gets to, say, take my firstborn child? Will he pick out what type of car I drive in the future, or what brand of pickles I'm allowed to buy to go with my government-issued bratwurst?!

How did this happen? How did we get to a point where we are allowing our government to pick and choose our country's CEOs? Is Michael Moore documenting this? Where is our exposé by Bob Schieffer? Is SNL bringing Tina Fey back to play an American in the year 2011, wearing a kerchief around her hair and writing a tear-stained letter to family that live on the other side of the wall?!

There are 13 million occurrences of "Bush" attached to "fascist" on the internet. Where are the millions that attach "Obama" to "Marxist"? As if the ubiquitous Mao Zedong-esque Obama ("Hope") portraits aren't enough to send shivers down America's spines, we have the American Heritage Dictionary's reminding us that Communism is: "A system of government in which the state plans and controls the economy and a single, often authoritarian party holds power, claiming to make progress toward a higher social order in which all goods are equally shared by the people." Next to the entry is a little postage-size picture of Obama...

So, where is the front-page panic? Where is the media outrage? Where are the protests in the streets, covered by reporters and camera crews?

Media, I'm not giving you a TIME OUT today. I'm not feeling well - must be a stomach flu.
I'm calling in sick today, Media. Be good for the substitute...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

America Turns to Fox News!

For the first time ever - EVER - CNN is about to finish in third place for prime-time weeknight news. Who is in first place? Fox News Channel. And behind them, in second place, MSNBC. Fox News Channel is the number one station for prime-time news. Fox News.

The mainstream media loves to dismiss Fox News for being biased, with a conservative lean. Try to quote a Fox News story, and followers of the mainstream media will snigger and roll their eyes, whispering, "Oh, you heard that on Fox News did you?" Tee hee. The bigger joke, however, is that these followers don't spontaneously combust from the hypocrisy of their accusation. I mean, there seriously can't still be people out there who actually believe the mainstream media is unbiased, can there? Let's pause here to let the laughter die down...

The resounding answer is "NO." America does recognize the mainstream media's increasingly slanted reporting, and is answering back in the most profound of democratic ways. By popular vote. The result: CNN is in third place, and Fox News has experienced a 30% jump in its ratings. Because the only way to balance out the barrage of liberal-biased reporting is to hear the other side.

Media, you need to take a five minute TIME OUT and consider the repercussions of your actions. America has lost faith in your news, Media.

And that is a dangerous thing...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Media Tricks 84-year-old in Texas

I love my sweet grandmother. But bless her little 84-year-old heart, she actually buys into the media. That's the problem: like all good scam artists, the media preys on the elderly and the innocent (minded). After Obama's speech last night, my grandma cooed, "Obama is so intelligent!" Well, Grandma, all our presidents have been intelligent - it's kinda a prerequisite for the job. "No. Bush was an idiot." Bush was an... Oh! You mean because of all those jokes on SNL, and Comedy Central, and, um, the news...

If my G-ma were an internet user, I am almost positive her argument would go something like this:

If you search "Bushisms" on the internet, you will find almost three million site occurrences. And not just by bloggers and comedians, either. From the news, too. So, it's got to be a real thing. The epitome of impartiality, Time magazine itself, posted this little collective, "Top 10 Bushisms," reminding us of George W.'s question in 2000: "Is our children learning?" Whoa! I guess that depends on what the definition of "is" is. But seriously. I mean, that kind of ESL-grammar mistake is right up there with, say, claiming to have visited 57 of the United States! How stupid can you be, right? Oh, wait, wait...Obama actually said that. He said that there were 57 states? Yowzers. No worries, no worries. He was just tired from the campaign trail. Exhausted, really. People say silly things when they is tired.

Let's move on. Quickly.

OK, how about all those ridiculous words Bush was always making up? I don't care that we call Shakespeare a genius for inventing words! CNN featured them as news stories, for crying out loud. What more proof do you need that the man was not fit to be our president if the reputable CNN was even calling him out?! You won't catch Obama saying nonsensical gobbledygook! And not just because he uses a TelePrompter for every single one of his public speeches. No, it's because he's a genius and a thoughtful thinker. Wait..."thoughtful thinker"? Is that another Bushism? No? That one comes courtesy Obama himself?! Well, CNN hasn't put it in a video, so it means nothing to me.

Uh, to the next point...

How about that time that Bush suggested kids with asthma be given a Breathalyzer? Ha! A Breathalyzer?! Should the tots also walk a straight line, Mr. President? Wait, what?! That was OBAMA who said that?! Shizz! Are you kidding me?! OK, give me a minute, I can't hear myself think... I'm getting all turned around. It's Bush who makes mistakes, and Obama who's a genius. I have proof, now stop distracting me...

I got it! Remember that time Bush got up and spoke in front of a crowd of supporters in Richmond and declared, "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed." When, in actuality, the death toll from the tornado about which he was speaking was... 12?! How can an intelligent man who- huh? What? That was Obama again?! WHAT?! Well, eff it. Enough about Obama for a minute. I need to center myself, and go back to the news...

How about CBS? CBS is like my brain. When I'm too tired to think, CBS thinks for me, and they featured in this completely unbiased video montage a whole bunch of evidence that they want me to believe Bush was dumb as dirt. And CBS doesn't have any agenda except to report the truth. You can't argue with truth. I mean, watch the video: the man thanked the powerful Queen of England for attending the U.S.'s bicentennial in "17...1976." He said 17! Before changing it to 19! He said 17 for a split second! Did you hear it? I can't imagine anything more damaging to our diplomacy...well, except...OK. You're saying there was that time a couple weeks ago that Secretary Hillary Clinton gave a giant red "Reset" button as a public gesture to Russian Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov. Only... the Russian inscription was incorrect and read "Overload." And OK, making matters worse, apparently giant red buttons are not all the rage in Russia (they don't have a Staples? Difficult!), and was considered childish. But CBS didn't make a montage about that shizz. And Bush almost said 17 to the Queen! Of England! His tongue said "sssss"! Listen to CBS's video again!

Anyway, I don't know why you're focusing so hard on Hillary and Obama's flubs! Everyone makes mistakes. We're not perfect!

Oh, Grandma...

Media, this one is personal. There are people from a bygone era of honor that actually look up to you, and can not even conceive that you have your own agenda, or that you emphasize stories that serve your purpose and bury stories that don't. If you say "laugh at Bush!" my grandma laughs, because she trusts you. And if you say, "Obama is a genius," then my grandma believes that, too. She isn't onto your scam, Media. But we are.

Media, you have a TIME OUT for the rest of the afternoon. I don't want to even see your face in this classroom for the rest of the day, Media. Go take your homework, get out of this classroom, and work in the library. Tomorrow's a new day. But today...

No one tricks my sweet grandma that way.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Obama Cackles at Economy!

Remember the infamous "Bush smirk"? You know, that thing on George W.'s face that an unbiased observer would call a grin? But which was instead twisted in our media as a sure sign of Bush's "inadquacies as a leader" (to quote Bob Cesca's 2007 blog in The Huffington Post)?

Well, I'm more than a little worried, folks. If Bob thought Bush's smirks during questions about the Iraq war were "uncomfortably ridiculous," and if they inspired one Newsweek writer to label them as "smirking arrogance," then - oh me oh my - whatever will Bob and our media say about President Obama's full-out belly laughs when being asked about our economic crisis on "60 Minutes" last night? Guys, guys...seriously, I'm worried. If the media could barely handle a coy up-turn of the lips, how will they handle a full-on guffaw?!

I mean, during the interview, Steve Kroft - looking increasing uncomfortable with his hero's odd laughter - even generously prompted Obama, giving him a verbal kick-in-the shin, saying to the President: "You are laughing about some of these problems. Are people going to look at this and say, 'I mean, he's sitting there just making jokes about money?'"

So...Will the headlines scream: "Obama Cackles at the Economy"? Will the unbiased and impartial Katie Couric lead with a story about "Obama's Tasteless Titter at the Expense of Millions of Americans"? Perhaps The New York Times will announce on the cover of its papers: "Obama Sniggers While the Country Struggles!"

Or... perhaps none of the above. And if that is so, then Media, I'm afraid we're going to have to call a TIME OUT on that shizz. Fair is fair. In this classroom, Media, if the kid who smirks inappropriately gets a detention, then the kid who full-on laughs inappropriately must get at least equal sanctions. Otherwise, that's just out-and-out favoritism, Media. And no one likes a teacher's pet.

I'm afraid it looks like this is going to earn you at least a ten-minute TIME OUT, Media. Five minutes for showing blatant favoritism to the kid with the cackle, and five minutes for picking on the kid with the cute grin and dimples.

We've got our eye on you, Media...

Friday, March 20, 2009

Thousands Protest at White House!

Thousands of protesters gathered outside the White House today, picketing the President's recent remark comparing his lame bowling skills to that of Special Olympians. The President made the offensive joke while appearing on the "Tonight Show." Host Jay Leno was joking that the President's bowling scores were not "that good," when the President responded, "It was like the Special Olympics or something."

Though Tim Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics, has reported that the President called and apologized personally, thousands are demanding a more public apology. One protester declared, "Until President Obama has addressed each of these individuals in the same public forum in which he made that tasteless joke, his apology has no weight with us!" NBC, CBS, and ABC are all covering the protests, interrupting regularly scheduled programming to bring us reports from the chanting mob. The public protests and media attention have not been this intense since Tropic Thunder...

No, wait. Wait. Oh, my bad. I forgot. This is President Obama! There are no protesters or media camped outside the White House, or endless angry headlines demanding more apologies. Silly me! I must have been having flashbacks to possible scenarios if it had been President Bush who'd made a joke at the expense of millions of Americans with special needs. With President Obama, however, the media barely notices such prejudice. (What, Al Sharpton doesn't have any relatives with special needs, I'm guessing?) Dan Quail can't spell "potato," George W. says words that sound funny, but Obama humiliates an entire demographic? Oh, pish tosh! That's not news!

In fact, our honorable media is complaining that the loudest outcry against Obama's blunder is coming from "conservative bloggers." Hmm. Could that be because the "liberal bloggers," (a.k.a., the mainstream media) have chosen to focus their attention on, well, anything and everything except Obama's "gaffe"? In fact, they've even gone so far as to post articles quickly comparing Obama's joke to "gaffes of former pesidents," like in this gem. Wow, that's some pretty clever strategery, Media. Look at the power you have! You've brushed aside the offensive joke with all the penache of a gifted PR wiz, and so (you believe) most Americans will, too.

Except, of course, the Special Olympians.
And the independent thinkers. We're onto you.

Looks like you've earned yourself a five-minute TIME OUT in the Naughty Corner, Media.