What the Eff is Going On?!?

Here is the situation: Media Matters is gathering a petition of 25,000 signatures to present to Fox News Channel, to demand more "fair and balanced" coverage. (WARNING: Make sure you're not drinking any liquid when you read this next part; let's keep those computer screens dry.) The petition is accusing Fox News Channel of encouraging "conservative paranoia and anti-Obama political activism."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Are you kidding me?! Did they post that on April 1st? C'mon...that has GOT to be a joke, right?

Hmmm...just in case:

Dear Mr. Burns,

I am thrilled your website, "Media Matters for America," is so concerned with monitoring the media. I applaud your mission to call out any news channels that encourage dissent against a sitting president. I am guessing you must have REALLY had your hands full with the media during President Bush's administration, eh? There was so much irresponsible anti-Bush reporting, you must have just been pounding out those petitions, right? Um, right?! ...Uh, What?!

Oh...that's right. Your mission statement says, quite clearly, that you are interested in "correcting conservative misinformation in the U.S. media." Conservative misinformation. You silly goose! Are you trying to make less work for yourself? Correcting liberal misinformation would be a really impressive undertaking, wouldn't it? Take it from me...

First, Mr. Burns, I want you to go make yourself a cup of chamomile tea, because you've really worked yourself into a lather over this, and I'm concerned for your health. Good thing you weren't around in 1776, eh? You would have really panicked at that whole crazy idea of liberty and people having the right to disagree with the government. I can just picture you hyperventilating in a corner, crying out: "No, Jefferson, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Maybe we can find a nice monarchy for you, Mr. Burns, where the press is more controlled and where you would feel more comfortable. How does Saudi Arabia sound? Or, monarchies aside, there's always China...

Are you drinking your tea? (Because here comes the part you don't want to hear.) Mr. Burns, Fox News Channel is not the culprit here. Their audience exists because the dissent already exists...not because they have created it. Kindly give the public some credit. There are still Americans out there who think for themselves. Who are tired of being manipulated by the Katie Courics and Sam Donaldsons of the world, and are choosing to turn to Fox News Channel for a reprieve from the liberal agenda of our mainstream media.

Your petition is pointless, Mr. Burns, because this is America. And we are allowed to be anti-Bush, anti-Obama, or anti-American, if we so choose. As much as this blog, even, may scold the media for its unethical left-leaning partiality, we would never consider petitioning to close it down or require its termination. Because Americans value our freedom, even of those with whom we disagree. Instead, we just change the channel... to Fox News.

Best Wishes,
Time Out, Media!